I am just wondering how other people deal with integrating permaculture into their lives on a personal level, when others around you judge you for it or don't accept it? Since doing my PDC I have struggled and struggled with trying to make my family and friends understand why I do the things I do, why I refuse to do certain things and why I have the opinions I do etc. I am becoming increasingly isolated and alienated from people who were previously close to me, as they do not understand or accept who I am and what I stand for. Even family, who you would think would be accepting, seem to have no interest in what I do, and you can see them shut off when I even mention the "P" word. Because of my lack of interest in the consumer lifestyle that most others enjoy (I don't go to concerts and movies, go shoe shopping, go to make-up and linen parties, go to pubs) I have been accused of being a hippy, being boring and weird, and was even threatened with being kicked out of my own brothers bridal party for his wedding. I was told I was a freak for wanting to participate in Earth Hour! Where I live there is not a strong permaculture community, and it is difficult to make friends with similar interests (ie I can't just get rid of my old friends). However I do not want to deny who I am, and pretend to be someone I'm not. Has anyone else experienced this sort of thing? And how have you dealt with it?
Haha good idea, and I have tried coaxing them with food, however they either won't eat it because of the "weird" ingredients or they think I'm insane for refusing to cook/eat processed food. Unfortunately they prefer their McDonalds and microwave meals. I'm afraid that one would be like banging my head on a brick wall!
Being yourself is quite often very difficult and takes courage. The changes I have undergone since becoming a Permie have definitely isolated me from many people and activities. I would have to say that I have isolated myself for the most part, because like you, I don't enjoy most of the things that make others 'tick'. I now get labels like 'eccentric' from my friends and family. I know they think I'm a bit weird, and they themselves choose not to adopt the life I have, but they love me anyway, and I continue to love them. Acceptance goes both ways. If people truly take exception to who I am based on my lifestyle preferences, then I guess they were never meant to be my friends. What is that old saying? "you can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but its unlikely you will ever please all of the people all of the time". I find it very helpful to read people's comments in this forum when I am inundated with people who don't understand where I'm coming from. Rather than trying to change their point of view, I find it easier to emerse myself in like-minded people like yourself - even if it is only online! Take care P.
Thanks guys, I do garden as well - a lot! Paula - I guess that is where my frustration lies! I have never tried to change anyone else's point of view, and I believe I am very accepting of how others live their lives. I do not preach to anyone about permaculture and keep my opinions largely to myself. I have just been trying to live as a permie as best I can, without confronting people with it. Solving the "friends" side of things is easier, like you say, you can isolate yourself from the naysayers and those who don't accept you. This is VERY isolating though, in a small rural community where there are limited options. Being on a forum is lovely, but not the same as having people close by. Perhaps moving towns is my only option!!? May be on the cards..... The family side of things is another matter! You can choose your friends but can't choose your family. I'm stuck with them! My family loves me too, and I love them. They are, however, very judgmental and unaccepting, and not afraid of telling me what they think! Thanks for your comments!
Consider this. People are entitled to their opinions, grant them the right to them. They are personal and are based purely on their own understandings and infact probably have nothing to do with you at all. If you try to bend yourself out of shape to please others you run the risk of not doing so and not pleasing even yourself. The only one who can change somebodies opinions, is that person, themselves and if it is not in their interests to do so then they wont-dont bother trying to do it for them... You have an idea of how you want things to be and what you want to do so get on with it. Actions speak louder than words. You have some idea of how your friends and family think and with alittle thought can gear your responses to their questions around this. They will always question what you do especially if it is something new and different to what everybody else is doing. Keep your answers simple and straight forward, using what you know of that particular person and what their genenral understandings of things are. It might be a good idea to sit and ponder the questions they have already asked and how you answered them to see if you could have given them a better response. Or, ponder on what they may bring up so you can be ready with an answer that they can easily understand. Your own attitude can change how someone reacts, so if you are feeling defensive about your new course of action- deal with that so you no longer feel the need to be defensive. I get the idea that you are having to deal with assertive people and have trouble with this as a general situation and not nessecarily just on the subject of permaculture.
Thanks for your comments Mischief, I am not sure why you seem to be assuming that I am being opinionated and defensive with my friends and family, but maybe I gave the wrong impression? If anything I am completely the opposite. I have and will continue to ponder your points. Cheers.
Be yourself indigo. If you are true to yourself and have good intentions you can't go wrong. People sometimes view difference as uncomfortable. Just be yourself, do your own thing and flourish. Those that know you will eventually come around. Trailblazers always have these things to contend with. Best wishes.
People will believe what they want to believe Everyone's view of "reality' is different. is it important what they think? i agree with other posters, lot of good sense there (esp eco) just get on with it She moves to a different drummer. Nobody tells the truth like she can She moves to a different drummer She's in time, she don't lie Different Drummer, Different Drummer Different Drummer, Different Drummer
Hi Indigofera, I guess I've always been a little weird, so the changes were not so sudden and challenging for the folks around me. But there was a time when I was a typical Australian social drinker, and a reasonable drinker at that. In some ways it was part of who I was. Then after a series of personal changes and a bit of a transformation I stopped drinking. It was pretty challenging for friends, eventually I just drifted away from some that couldn't deal with the change. Others realised I was serious about it and accepted it. If I were you I would take a different view of things, rather than thinking that they are not accepting of you, perhaps you could take a stance of compassion. The very ideas you are now living are in complete and total contrast to the way they see themselves and their universe. By rejecting all of this, subconsciously they are feeling as though you are rejecting them and everything they believe in. In some ways you become a mirror that shows them a very ugly side of themselves, a reflection that they simply cannot look upon. I once heard Deepak Chopra telling a story about a conventional doctor he knew who had trouble accepting any of his alternative views, because it challenged everything he believed in. Deepak asked him what would happen if he found out that it was all real. The doctor said he would die, it was just not possible for him to assimilate it. People have a very real difficulty when all of there beliefs are challenged, it feels to the human organism as if its very existence is challenged. In some ways you are dismantling their universe. The enlightened must be very gentle with the heavy. Chapter 27 of the Tao Te Ching, Translation by Stephen Mitchell... A good traveler has no fixed plans and is not intent upon arriving. A good artist lets his intuition lead him wherever it wants. A good scientist has freed himself of concepts and keeps his mind open to what is. Thus the Master is available to all people and doesn't reject anyone. He is ready to use all situations and doesn't waste anything. This is called embodying the light. What is a good man but a bad man's teacher? What is a bad man but a good man's job? If you don't understand this, you will get lost, however intelligent you are. It is the great secret.
If you enjoy your friends for who they are, perhaps you can at least tolerate some of their activities in order to be with them. If they enjoy you for who you are, they will want to support you (at least passively) in your new interests. If these things are not true, if you do not mutually enjoy each other's company, are you really friends at all? Most metropolitan areas seem to have some kinds of sustainable living/green/nature-loving etc meetup groups and clubs, which you might look into if you have a means of transportation. If you're geographically isolated away from a large town or city, it can be much harder to find new friends.
My dad has taken to telling his friends that I have caught a fatal virus called Permaculture. I take it as a compliment that he can see that it is making a difference in my life. I too garden a lot. And give excess food to friends and family. Even if they think I'm weird they never say no to a pumpkin or a hand of bananas. I'm happy being me. Bugger anyone else who thinks I'm weird! You may be able to grow a community around you - if you don't hide your light under a bushel other 'weird' people find their way into your life.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words and advice. You are all special and wonderful people! The concept of "Just get on with it" as a few of you have mentioned is what I have been doing (without pushing it onto others), however that seems to be causing the conflict and unpleasantness that I am trying to avoid - I was more looking for suggestions from people who may have figured out how to make the transition to being a permie a more smooth one when confronted by prejudice and ridicule. But don't worry, I will continue to "get on with it", and will be true to myself as best I can! Ludi - I agree with you on your advice regarding friendships, and whether they are real or not. I guess family is probably my bigger concern, as I said in a previous post - you can choose your friends but not your family! Grahame - Thank you sooooo much for your story and sharing such a personal experience. Your comments struck a chord with me. I recently read a book of interviews with the Dalai Lama. He suggested that in all life's struggles, compassion is the key to overcoming them and the negative emotions that accompany them (which I think is a general Buddhist approach to life?). I found this concept quite appealing, but the book didn't really explain how you find compassion for people who are just downright mean and nasty though! Reading your words just connected the dots for me. And I guess this comes back to other people's suggestions (they just worded it differently) where they suggested I adjust my reactions and attitude. The buddhist approach takes it one step to further to adjust your reactions and attitude, but not to suit yourself and exclude others, but to try and develop an understanding of WHY people act the way they do, and show compassion for them. Thank you!
Eco - A fatal virus? That's very funny, and you should take it as a compliment! I have tried giving excess food to friends and family, and they usually take it. But then you visit them a week later and they haven't used it and throw it in landfill (or I take it home to the chooks!). I can't bear the waste! I will shine my permie light, and try and attract more of us "weird" people. Good idea!
I gave a dozen eggs from my free range organically happy lil chooks to my neighbor because he bought bacon that day. He still hasn't had his bacon and eggs 2 weeks later, so believe me, I understand where we are all coming from.
It is like a virus Eco. You catch it and it attacks your DNA, it changes you. It really can alter your perception and if your perception is altered then in effect you become a different person. This is why it is difficult for people to accept it, because you are no longer a comfortable part of their universal furniture - they have to shuffle the chairs around to fit a new person into their lives. And to them it is a new person who really doesn't understand their views. The new person just doesn't fit. YET. But, every hand of bananas, every pumpkin works its way into their lives. Next thing, they are eating your home made strawberry jam, and no other strawberry jam will do. Exactly. Perhaps (and I'm only asking you to explore this Indigofera) you haven't yet accepted your own permacultural self. At least not in it's entirety. I once had a great man (I consider him a guru of mine in the true sense of the word) explain to me that if I felt people weren't respecting my skills or knowledge, or they weren't 'listening' to me then all that really meant was that I was not respecting myself and my own skills and knowledge and that I was not listening to myself. The universe is a mirror.